Fear

Throughout my life, there have been countless occurrences where fear has kept me from achieving my goals or making my dreams a reality. As a kid, it was my fear of being hit by the ball that prevented me from ever swinging the bat in Little League. In high school, I chose to manage for the basketball team instead of play because I was unsure of my own abilities. When it came time to choose colleges, I chose to stay local and attend IPFW because I was not sure if I would be able to succeed at a big name university like Purdue or Ball State. And now, I find myself afraid to tell the girl that I am crazy about how I feel, not just because I am afraid it will ruin our friendship but, most of all, because I KNOW she doesn’t feel the same way about me.

All of these examples, from Little League to high school and beyond, are illustrations of my low self-confidence and my ability (or lack thereof) to take chances. And this lack of self-confidence stems from my own fear of the unknown.

What is it about us as humans that cause us to fear the unknown? If you think about it, we don’t know if we are going to live past today, yet we don’t lie around in fear because we don’t know if today is our last day. However, when it comes to matters of social recognition, career paths, and love, we suddenly morph into a fifth-grader plagued with sudden stage fright in the opening act of the school play.

The sad truth of the matter is, if we allow our fears to keep us from striving to obtain our goals or wants, we ultimately may never go where we want to in life. Sometimes in life, we have to take a chance and, hypothetically speaking, jump into the abyss of the unknown and find out what happens. We never know what life is going to throw at us, and we have to be ready when the opportunity presents itself, to suck in our fear and take a leap of faith. Because, as you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do, the words you didn't say, and the chances you didn't take.

Starting Anew

I have decided to recontinue my blog after a long absence away from it. It is my hopes that by detailing my thoughts and ideas about the happenings in my life that I may be able at some point in the future look back and understand why some things happened the way they did and also see how I have learned from my experiences. Also, since I just relocated, hopefully this will allow for the people whom I do not get to see on a regular basis anymore be able to keep up to date on the happenings of my life.

Jonny

Harrassed by the Red-Faced Bull

"You know what Judy? Either I am going to commit suicide, or I am just going to have to kill you!"

Words repulsively spoken by a father to a mother...

Words no twelve-year old should hear...

But I did.

On that day, March 31, 2000, the ticking bomb that had dwelt within the Magnin household finally detonated. Not only did these twenty-two words tear apart a family, but ultimately they left a young boy with wounds that may never heal, questions that may never be answered, and a desire to be the loving father he never had.

Reflecting back on my childhood, it amazes me how very little I noticed the brewing storm between my parents. Despite the petty arguments-turned WWIII, the constant mood swings of my dad, and even the occasional physical abuse my mother suffered at his hands, I still remained oblivious to the fact that our family remained far from perfect. These thoughts evaded me throughout my childhood, more of a reason for all the unanswered questions that remained inside my heart in the aftermath...

"Why does my dad act the way he does?"

"How can he not realize how unhealthy his behavior is?"

But by far, the main question that nags at my mind is... "Will I end up like him?"

That, above all else, remains my biggest fear. For as most of the educated world knows, children inherit many of their parents characteristics and personalities because of how we grow-up watching, studying, and wanting to be like them. So I guess in my case, the question for me would be, "Will I inherit my fathers ruthless temper along with his uncanny ability to never admit that anything is his fault"?

In a word...no.

In my mind, I witnessed a perfect example of how not to show love to others, and I promised myself long ago to never turn out the way he is. I witnessed the mistreatment of my mother, and have made a vow to treat my future wife double the love that she should receive, because that extra love shall be done in honor of my mother, who never received it from my father unless it was purely for his own selfish motives.

As the years have gone by, and I have transformed into the adult I am today, I look back and in an outlandish way, thank my father for the scars he left on my heart. For if it had not been for him, I would not cherish the love that family and friends bring to my life. To say that my dad and I might one day have a decent relationship, I can honestly say I highly doubt it. People may tell me that I need to forgive and forget the mistakes he made. I have no problem with forgiving him, but I don't think I shall ever forget. I know that I have been forgiven by many (especially God) when I did not deserve it, so I have no reasoning to not forgive him.

Yet, the other argument is, why forgive someone who has not changed their ways? It would be like forgiving a murderer who still murders. I don't believe God forgives someone who commits a murder, asks for forgiveness, and than goes out and murders again. And even though it saddens me very deeply to know that my father and I will never be able to engage in a normal, healthy relationship without a little bit of tension, I do not lie awake at night and cry about it. He lost the trust and love I had for him, and until he is willing to admit his mistakes and change, he will forever remain to me just another tempered red-faced bull.

One Thing

Within each of our lives, there is one thing that we all find ourselves seeking after, wishing we had. For some, it is money and all the luxuries that come with it. Others seek after recognition for their success within business and society. Yet for me, the one thing that I have found myself seeking after is the most complex yet enticing thing in the world: love.

It is within our nature as humans to love and be loved in return. From the moment we are born and cradled in our parents’ arms, we long for that closeness and shared connection with important people in our lives. It is my opinion that there are no more beautiful words spoken in the human language than those three special words: “I love you.”

As we grow older, our view on love changes as it shifts into a more romantic perspective. And it is this shift that has left me confused and heartbroken many times throughout my young life, leaving me to wonder one question: is she out there?

In my 22 years, I have broken hearts and had my heart broken. I have led people on and been led on myself. I have gotten my hopes up multiple times on the possibility of a potential relationship, only to find out I was foolish for ever entertaining such thoughts. And now, I find myself becoming jealous if those who have found love, wishing for just one second that I could trade places with them, to know what it feels like to be with the person I know I am going to spend the rest of my life with.