Love

So before I post this piece, it should be noted that 1) I am not engaged and 2) I am not contemplating marriage :). However, this piece does describe what I feel love, the love one feels for a special person in his/her life, is. Maybe my ideals are skeward or maybe a fantasy, but in my mind, this is what love is. Enjoy :)

What is love? This Bible gives us its definition in 1 Corinthians 13 of what love is, yet in reality, Christ is the ultimate example of love because he was willing to give up his life to save mine. However, while this is a very important type of love, it is not the one I am questioning. Merely, I am pondering what it means to look someone you care deeply for in the eyes and say "I love you" and how those words can penetrate the heart. And I have come up with the following conclusions.

To be loved is to be found infinitely valuable. You drink in the words of someone you love as if whatever they are saying is the last thing you will ever hear. Their sadness is a death to you, and one critical word or disappointed look from this person makes you feel horrifically ill. Their opinion is the ultimately important one… This person alone carries enough weight to make you stop believing lies about yourself—deep lies that you are insignificant, invisible, undeserving of happiness. One genuine smile from him or her heals everything.

To be loved is to be infinitely meaningful. Someone who is loved is endlessly fascinating. You notice and want to notice everything about that person; you never tire of taking in details that would be insignificant to anyone else. The way a piece of hair falls over someone’s face, a pattern of always forgetting to put some small thing away… A nervous tic like rubbing fingers together or nibbling on a lower lip. A subtle change of expression that no one else would detect. The incomprehensible thing about it is that these seemingly worthless details suddenly take on immeasurable worth when they correspond to the one you love. An object itself becomes oddly endearing, endearingly familiar… Like a watch someone always wears. The watch is a symbol of the life you know so intimately.

To be loved is to be infinitely appealing. Even the faults of someone who is loved are somehow almost adorable. The imperfection of a face becomes the very standard of flawlessness. Like a picture drawn by a small child—the stick figure isn’t proportional, the name is spelled wrong, (furthermore, an ‘e’ is backwards) there’s a smudge in the corner and the paper is wrinkled—but you wouldn’t change a thing. In your eyes it is nothing but perfect; impossible to be improved upon.

To be loved is to be assured that you are lovable. That you are accepted; you have the unconditional promise of a place of shelter in another person. To be loved is to know that someone has agreed to take on the responsibility of caring for you; that someone has dared to essentially tie his or her fate to yours (no matter what may happen in the future) because he or she has judged it worth it, merely to be with you. To be loved is to know that you are not alone… to know that someone else has refused (and will always refuse) to leave you alone

To be loved is to be respected and trusted and hoped in and waited for… It is to be deferred to, to be truly understood, to be believed, to be daydreamed about, to be surprised with presents, to be saved from yourself, to be left notes saying where someone has gone, to be defended, to be provided for, to be listened to, to be whispered silly things in your ear… To be loved is to be comfortable and warm next to your favorite person on the couch with lots of blankets and cups of coffee or tea or whatever it is, while you’re in pajamas. (To be loved is to be at home) To be loved is to know that someone enjoys your company. Being loved is to have someone to share the mundane burdens of life with, like shutting lights off when you’re already in bed and paying bills and switching burnt out light bulbs and changing car tires and cleaning up spilled food. When you’re outside driving or running and all the sudden you see something devastatingly pretty like a butterfly on a flowering branch—to be loved is to find, in moments like that when you want someone else to see what you see—that you are actually not by yourself.

To be able to love another person—to have been given the license to truly, actively love someone—is a very high privilege. So high it’s almost unfathomable that anyone would ever choose to grace anyone else with it. It must be earned; it’s not something anyone should ever simply expect

To receive love from another person… to truly be the object of love to someone else… is an unthinkable gift. A searingly inhuman offering of mercy. To be loved is such a high award (and, as it would seem, such a high degree of happiness)

Unworthy

What do I say to you who created the heavens and the earth?

How can anything I say resonate to you?

You knew me before I was created.

Your plan for my life was set in stone long before I ever existed.

I have been a liar.

Thief.

Adulterer.

Hypocrite.

I have had feelings of pride.

Anger.

Jealousy.

Hate.

Doubt.

And yet, despite all this, you want ME to talk to you!

You LONG for me to come before you.

Why?

I feel I have so little to offer you.

There again is that doubt.

Lord there are times where I don't know what to say.

Times where I feel too ashamed.

And yet you want nothing more but for me to talk to you.

To express my joys.

Concerns.

Fears.

Wants.

Apologies.

All you want is for me, your child, to continuously run to you.

And I will, despite feeling forever like I am

Unworthy.

I Know

My son,

I know that you are worried.

I know what causes you fear.

I know the thoughts that linger, that keep you awake at night.

I know that none of this makes sense.

I know you are thinking “What about me?”

I know that you have doubted me, wondering what I am doing.

I know how long you have been patient.

I know that you have been hurt.

I know that you want to do my will, and that you want to KNOW my will.

I know how in the past you tried so hard to run from me.

I know that you wanted to come back, but your pride kept getting in the way.

I know that there are times that you still struggle.

I know you doubt your own self-worth.

I know you just want a clear picture.

All of these things I know, my child…but these are not the only things I know…

I know that you are so very precious to me.

I know that I delight in you…more than you can ever imagine.

I know that when you ran from me, the pain I felt cut worse than the nails on the cross.

I know that when you finally returned to me, the celebration in the heavens was beyond human experience.

I know that it was I that protected you on that fateful August night.

I know that I kept you safe because I am not finished with you yet.

I know that I want nothing but the best for you.

I know that I have a GREAT plan for you.

I know that I need you to trust me.

I know when you need to know what I need you to know.

I know that my plans will be revealed to you when I know you are ready.

I know, My son, I know…

I know that above all else…I love you…forever.

Signed,

God

Fear

Throughout my life, there have been countless occurrences where fear has kept me from achieving my goals or making my dreams a reality. As a kid, it was my fear of being hit by the ball that prevented me from ever swinging the bat in Little League. In high school, I chose to manage for the basketball team instead of play because I was unsure of my own abilities. When it came time to choose colleges, I chose to stay local and attend IPFW because I was not sure if I would be able to succeed at a big name university like Purdue or Ball State. And now, I find myself afraid to tell the girl that I am crazy about how I feel, not just because I am afraid it will ruin our friendship but, most of all, because I KNOW she doesn’t feel the same way about me.

All of these examples, from Little League to high school and beyond, are illustrations of my low self-confidence and my ability (or lack thereof) to take chances. And this lack of self-confidence stems from my own fear of the unknown.

What is it about us as humans that cause us to fear the unknown? If you think about it, we don’t know if we are going to live past today, yet we don’t lie around in fear because we don’t know if today is our last day. However, when it comes to matters of social recognition, career paths, and love, we suddenly morph into a fifth-grader plagued with sudden stage fright in the opening act of the school play.

The sad truth of the matter is, if we allow our fears to keep us from striving to obtain our goals or wants, we ultimately may never go where we want to in life. Sometimes in life, we have to take a chance and, hypothetically speaking, jump into the abyss of the unknown and find out what happens. We never know what life is going to throw at us, and we have to be ready when the opportunity presents itself, to suck in our fear and take a leap of faith. Because, as you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do, the words you didn't say, and the chances you didn't take.

Starting Anew

I have decided to recontinue my blog after a long absence away from it. It is my hopes that by detailing my thoughts and ideas about the happenings in my life that I may be able at some point in the future look back and understand why some things happened the way they did and also see how I have learned from my experiences. Also, since I just relocated, hopefully this will allow for the people whom I do not get to see on a regular basis anymore be able to keep up to date on the happenings of my life.

Jonny

Harrassed by the Red-Faced Bull

"You know what Judy? Either I am going to commit suicide, or I am just going to have to kill you!"

Words repulsively spoken by a father to a mother...

Words no twelve-year old should hear...

But I did.

On that day, March 31, 2000, the ticking bomb that had dwelt within the Magnin household finally detonated. Not only did these twenty-two words tear apart a family, but ultimately they left a young boy with wounds that may never heal, questions that may never be answered, and a desire to be the loving father he never had.

Reflecting back on my childhood, it amazes me how very little I noticed the brewing storm between my parents. Despite the petty arguments-turned WWIII, the constant mood swings of my dad, and even the occasional physical abuse my mother suffered at his hands, I still remained oblivious to the fact that our family remained far from perfect. These thoughts evaded me throughout my childhood, more of a reason for all the unanswered questions that remained inside my heart in the aftermath...

"Why does my dad act the way he does?"

"How can he not realize how unhealthy his behavior is?"

But by far, the main question that nags at my mind is... "Will I end up like him?"

That, above all else, remains my biggest fear. For as most of the educated world knows, children inherit many of their parents characteristics and personalities because of how we grow-up watching, studying, and wanting to be like them. So I guess in my case, the question for me would be, "Will I inherit my fathers ruthless temper along with his uncanny ability to never admit that anything is his fault"?

In a word...no.

In my mind, I witnessed a perfect example of how not to show love to others, and I promised myself long ago to never turn out the way he is. I witnessed the mistreatment of my mother, and have made a vow to treat my future wife double the love that she should receive, because that extra love shall be done in honor of my mother, who never received it from my father unless it was purely for his own selfish motives.

As the years have gone by, and I have transformed into the adult I am today, I look back and in an outlandish way, thank my father for the scars he left on my heart. For if it had not been for him, I would not cherish the love that family and friends bring to my life. To say that my dad and I might one day have a decent relationship, I can honestly say I highly doubt it. People may tell me that I need to forgive and forget the mistakes he made. I have no problem with forgiving him, but I don't think I shall ever forget. I know that I have been forgiven by many (especially God) when I did not deserve it, so I have no reasoning to not forgive him.

Yet, the other argument is, why forgive someone who has not changed their ways? It would be like forgiving a murderer who still murders. I don't believe God forgives someone who commits a murder, asks for forgiveness, and than goes out and murders again. And even though it saddens me very deeply to know that my father and I will never be able to engage in a normal, healthy relationship without a little bit of tension, I do not lie awake at night and cry about it. He lost the trust and love I had for him, and until he is willing to admit his mistakes and change, he will forever remain to me just another tempered red-faced bull.

One Thing

Within each of our lives, there is one thing that we all find ourselves seeking after, wishing we had. For some, it is money and all the luxuries that come with it. Others seek after recognition for their success within business and society. Yet for me, the one thing that I have found myself seeking after is the most complex yet enticing thing in the world: love.

It is within our nature as humans to love and be loved in return. From the moment we are born and cradled in our parents’ arms, we long for that closeness and shared connection with important people in our lives. It is my opinion that there are no more beautiful words spoken in the human language than those three special words: “I love you.”

As we grow older, our view on love changes as it shifts into a more romantic perspective. And it is this shift that has left me confused and heartbroken many times throughout my young life, leaving me to wonder one question: is she out there?

In my 22 years, I have broken hearts and had my heart broken. I have led people on and been led on myself. I have gotten my hopes up multiple times on the possibility of a potential relationship, only to find out I was foolish for ever entertaining such thoughts. And now, I find myself becoming jealous if those who have found love, wishing for just one second that I could trade places with them, to know what it feels like to be with the person I know I am going to spend the rest of my life with.